My blog is one year old today.

Today my blog is one year old, and its time to say goodbye.  This did not end up to be a cute & funny record of our family's journey to adoption.  It just ended up becoming a record of the worst year of my life.  So peace out, blog. We had some good times, but mostly not.  It is time to move on with our lives, into the next phase.  And whatever that ends up being, I probably won't blog about it.   

The Road Back to Three

One month.  We survived one month without her.  And the verdict is that I think we are actually going to be ok.  If you want, you can just stop reading here.  We really ARE going to live through this whole thing.

But, if you want the details....

Everyone told me to enjoy the last few weeks before Violet came, because I would never get back that time with us as a family of three again.  I also heard that going from 1 kid to 2 kids would be life-changing and hard.  Truth is, that I had been waiting forever to be a family of four, and it WAS hard.  It was also the best 7 weeks of my life.  Now going from a family of four back to a family of three.....now THAT is hard, and also life-changing.

What I wished I had known, is that the three of us will never be the same as we were pre-Violet days.  We are forever changed, all three of us.  I can't just go back to how we were.  Maybe the new Smith family will be stronger and closer, but we will not be the same.  Never.

Despite the overwhelming support from our family and friends, we have felt incredibly alone.  Maybe that's because failed adoptions happen so rarely.  We are the second failed adoption that our social worker has dealt with in the last 20 years of service.  So even she was not prepared to really help us.

I went online.  I googled, and I checked out support groups.  No luck.  I found a few lousy articles about birthmoms who changed their mind before the birth or in the hospital.  I couldn't relate to that one bit. 

So I posted a discussion thread in an online adoption community.  I had a dozen responses and private messages in the span of a few hours!  As it turns out, many people have gone through a hell similar to ours.  Some even had their babies much longer than we had Violet.  After hearing from my social worker that "this really never happens", I felt relief to hear from other familes that they know what it is like to have an adoption disrupted. 

Because it does happen.  It just did happen. To me.

As we heal, there are a few things that help us get out of bed each day:

1. Thnking that maybe Violet's birthparents really needed her as motivation to change their lives around, and that they will take this second chance and run with it.  (Unlikely, but I need to believe that they will)
2. Considering that perhaps Violet will always know that her birthparents did, in fact, want her and fight for her.  That does count for something.
3. Wondering if knowing that she had the option of an adoption plan was what kept Violet's birthmom from aborting the pregnancy.  And if so, then it was worth the heartache on our end. 

I don't even care if any of that is true.  If I wanted to believe in flying monkeys right now, I should be able to .  It may be a little forced and out-of-character for me to try to be optimistic.  Its also unusual that I blow all my money on Starbucks and watch hours of Ally McBeal everyday.

Someday I will return to spin class work-outs and my penny-pinching ways, but not just yet. 


We love you, little Violet.  You are a resilliant little nugget, which is how I know you really are my daughter...always.