My blog is one year old today.

Today my blog is one year old, and its time to say goodbye.  This did not end up to be a cute & funny record of our family's journey to adoption.  It just ended up becoming a record of the worst year of my life.  So peace out, blog. We had some good times, but mostly not.  It is time to move on with our lives, into the next phase.  And whatever that ends up being, I probably won't blog about it.   

The Road Back to Three

One month.  We survived one month without her.  And the verdict is that I think we are actually going to be ok.  If you want, you can just stop reading here.  We really ARE going to live through this whole thing.

But, if you want the details....

Everyone told me to enjoy the last few weeks before Violet came, because I would never get back that time with us as a family of three again.  I also heard that going from 1 kid to 2 kids would be life-changing and hard.  Truth is, that I had been waiting forever to be a family of four, and it WAS hard.  It was also the best 7 weeks of my life.  Now going from a family of four back to a family of three.....now THAT is hard, and also life-changing.

What I wished I had known, is that the three of us will never be the same as we were pre-Violet days.  We are forever changed, all three of us.  I can't just go back to how we were.  Maybe the new Smith family will be stronger and closer, but we will not be the same.  Never.

Despite the overwhelming support from our family and friends, we have felt incredibly alone.  Maybe that's because failed adoptions happen so rarely.  We are the second failed adoption that our social worker has dealt with in the last 20 years of service.  So even she was not prepared to really help us.

I went online.  I googled, and I checked out support groups.  No luck.  I found a few lousy articles about birthmoms who changed their mind before the birth or in the hospital.  I couldn't relate to that one bit. 

So I posted a discussion thread in an online adoption community.  I had a dozen responses and private messages in the span of a few hours!  As it turns out, many people have gone through a hell similar to ours.  Some even had their babies much longer than we had Violet.  After hearing from my social worker that "this really never happens", I felt relief to hear from other familes that they know what it is like to have an adoption disrupted. 

Because it does happen.  It just did happen. To me.

As we heal, there are a few things that help us get out of bed each day:

1. Thnking that maybe Violet's birthparents really needed her as motivation to change their lives around, and that they will take this second chance and run with it.  (Unlikely, but I need to believe that they will)
2. Considering that perhaps Violet will always know that her birthparents did, in fact, want her and fight for her.  That does count for something.
3. Wondering if knowing that she had the option of an adoption plan was what kept Violet's birthmom from aborting the pregnancy.  And if so, then it was worth the heartache on our end. 

I don't even care if any of that is true.  If I wanted to believe in flying monkeys right now, I should be able to .  It may be a little forced and out-of-character for me to try to be optimistic.  Its also unusual that I blow all my money on Starbucks and watch hours of Ally McBeal everyday.

Someday I will return to spin class work-outs and my penny-pinching ways, but not just yet. 


We love you, little Violet.  You are a resilliant little nugget, which is how I know you really are my daughter...always. 

Choices

Many of you are wondering what happened to disrupt this adoption, so here is the scoop:

1. On Monday we had an appointment to speak with Violet's birth father, we were so nervous because we knew that he wasn't too thrilled about the adoption plan and he had the power to send Violet to DCF
2. On our way up to see him, the birth mom texted me to ask if she can speak with our social worker (who was in the car with us)
3. She said that she had changed her mind and wanted the baby back
4. We still went through with the meeting with the birth father, who was actually so nice.  He said he prayed about it and decided he was not in a stable place to parent.  Such an unbelievable flip-flop.
5. The next morning, the birth mom started freaking out on me, she was furious that I could not just drop the baby off to her.  Nothing I could say could make her understand why DCF had to get involved, and somehow she blamed me.  I threw my iphone against the wall at least 4 times that morning.  Of course, my phone is ringing off the hook with the birth mom and our social worker while Violet screams in the background because I wasn't holding her for 2 minutes.  Yikes.  
6. The next day, DCF had accepted the case and we asked to have Violet put in a Catholic Charities foster home....and yes, we pay for that, too.
7. DCF wll investigate and determine what to do with Violet.  We have a small hope that we can be her foster parents through the state...but its a long-shot.
8. Luckily, Violet's grandmother is a strong Christian woman and is going to advocate hard for the right thing to be done by this baby.  I feel like I can let go of my "mommy battle ax" knowing she is involved.

So we had a few really dark days, but in some ways it has been a weight lifted off of us to just know its over. Since the day she came home, Violet's adoption process looked more and more messy.  I never wanted a baby whose biological parents were able to care for her, we'll see if that ends up being the case with Violet.

I told the birth mom we love her and forgive her, and wish her a happy, blessed life.  Its a struggle to live out those words, but my only other choice is to drown in hate and self-pity. In the past, I choose to dwell in the pain, and it did not work out to be such a hot decision.  

So now we move on.  Its not easy, I still wake up during Violet's feeding times and jump out of bed thinking I have to giver her a bath today, then I realize she is not there.  Its not easy to explain this situation to Pearl, either.  She has already asked if we can get the next baby from my belly, because even a three year old gets the importance this world places on genetics over stability.  This makes me sad for the sake of adoption, and the bad name it gets from cases like this.  It makes me sad for my daughter who was a wonderful big sister.  

For now, we learn how to be a happy family of three.  Again, I rest in the peace that my God knows loss and pain.  I also know that the Bible is full of women asking God for children: Rachel, Hannah, Sarah, Elisabeth...I'm sure there is more.  The God who worked miracles to give them children, still could do so for me.  

Pearls of Wisdom

Pearl: "Do you have a baby boy in your belly, Mom?"
Me: "No way"
Pearl: "Can we have a boy baby now, after Violet?"
Me: "Uh...maybe"
Pearl: "Name him Acorn.  Pearl, Violet and Acorn."
Me:"Where will he come from?"
Pearl: "A different ___ (insert name of Violet's Birth mom)'s__ belly"
Kelley: "Ohhh, adopt again?"
Pearl: "Yup"


Funny thing is I'm pretty sure she got the name "Acorn" from the children's musical at church called "Acorns to Oaks".  I'm also pretty sure that she is asking for a girl and boy baby because our friend, Kim, is having twins, a boy and girl!

Back off, Pearlie, I'm not sure we all even going to make it through THIS adoption! But I'm glad she thinks of it positively enough to want another baby.  She is a lot like her father, who driving home from the hospital with Violet joked that he "scheduled our next home study appointment for our 3rd baby."  Very. Funny.

I am living with a bunch of lunatics!

Lifebook Extravaganza

I don't do so well with sitting around and twiddling my thumbs. Violet is almost a month old, and we really don't have any more of an idea of what is going on with her and what our role will be in her life, than we did on the day she was born.

I can't do a darn thing about the circumstances, or about helping Violet have a permanent placement.  Its just not in my control, but I it goes sooooooo against my inner drive to get things finished and all squared away!

So I am focusing all of my nervous energy on creating Violet's Lifebook.  Although she may not stay with us, I was an eye-witness to her birth and have had many conversations with her birth mom.  I know a lot of information that could be really valuable to this girl, and every day that I go without sleep is another day that I may forget some of the details!

Time to get started.  For those of you who do not know what a Lifebook is, welcome to the club!  I was all set on making a pretty scrapbook until I took and adoption online course about how to make a Lifebook for an adoptee, foster child, or a child who lives with a single parent.  Basically, it should be a binder that contains every document surrounding her birth and placements, as well as accounts of the facts surrounding her birth and early weeks.

I got a three-ring binder, some plastic page covers, pretty stickers and paper, and I am ready to go!  I made a section on the birth story, birth parents, biological family, birth family culture, placement story, significant events, interests and hobbies, school, and milestones.  I've included every piece of paperwork I had surrounding Violet's birth and life, and my own accounts of the stories I heard from the birth mom and the details of her birth.  I wrote down everything I know, including what kind of Chinese food her birth mother prefers!

Adopted children lose pieces of their past in the blink of an eye, and there is not much I can do to stop that loss.  All I can do is try and preserve as much information for Violet as possible.  This is really the only thing I can do right now, I'm pretty helpless in any of the other areas of her adoption right now.

So add Lifebook making to my other skills, like vacuuming and staining tile grout.  When you look at it that way, I have a lot of skills!

Cracking Open the "Open Adoption"

There are many things that I will not be teaching my children how to do, because I totally fail at them myself.  For example, I will pawn off the task of teaching my girls how to cook, ride a bike, do math, sports, swimming, dancing, and anything crafty, to other moms that possess these skills themselves.  That's what friends are for!

But when it comes to navigating the unknown territory of keeping in contact with Violet's biological parents, I feel like I should figure out how to do that myself before she decides she wants to and asks me how.  I know she is going to have questions, and I don't want to make it her problem alone to figure out how to get the answers.  So.....how to begin?

I'm lucky enough to have had a significant amount of contact with her birth mom, and we text occassionally about Violet's progress.  Although she expressed the desire to see Violet sometime soon, I knew it would be up to me to initiate and plan the meeting.  So we met for lunch the yesterday, I picked her up in our usualy meeting place, jut like I had been doing when I drove her to all of her doctor appointments when she was pregnant.

So much has changed, though.  When she was pregant, she was the mom.  Now I am the mom, or we both kind of are the mom.   I'm telling her about Violet and what she likes, what her schedule is, and how much she has grown.  It seems a little weird to tell that to the woman who birthed her!

We also talked about the issues surrounding Violet's biological father, but it means something completely different to both of us.  She gave up a baby she couldn't parent, and I am parenting a baby I might have to give up.  Not the same thing at all.

I signed on for this: sending letters, updates, pictures, and baby footprints to biological parents and grandparents, and scheduling somewhat awkward meetings with them in the midst of our already busy lives. 

When we said we wanted an open adoption, I knew it would be up to me to advocate for the birth parent's involvement, not because I need them inovlved, but because its best for Violet.   Its not going to be completely comfortable for us or the biological parents, I can see that now. 

Someday, Violet will be a teenager and she will blame me for either inovlving her biological parents too much or too little.  I hope so! That's the mark of a good mom, right? When your kids hate you for everything you sacrificed on their behalf? I'm looking forward to that, really. 

Sleep-deprived ponderings

I've been thinking a lot lately about Moses.  No idea why, he just keeps popping up into my thoughts, and I am am always drawn to his story in the Bible.  Maybe its because I feel I have some things in common with the old geezer. 

1. First of all, he was very much prone to throwing hissy fits when he did not get his way...check!!  
2. And he had a speech impediment that made him and unlikely leader and public speaker.....check. 
3. He also was living a comfortable life before God dragged him into a new line of work, leading a bunch of cranky people through the dessert while they complained at every step.....uh...check.
4. He also contributed to a cause he never really got to see the end result of...check. 

I personally think something about motherhood is a lot like being Moses.  Unikely and ill-equipped leaders of a bunch of whiney brats, who complain about the food, break the rules, and who happen to make you mad enough to hit rocks and throw stuff.  No?  I defintely see the similarites. 

It could also be that I am starting to get that what I am doing is something for God's kingdom that I may never understand, or never even get to see.  Maybe Violet does not end up as our adopted child, but she sure needs the love and security these first few weeks of her life, and that could be why she is here.  Or not.....I have no idea how God has this all worked out. 

It may truly feel like 40 confused years wondering in the dessert, and we might not see where God is headed with all of it.  Being content to a peice of the puzzle, and not the finished product, is not my strongest skill.  So if any of you have that paticular gift, give me a holler.  I could really use some pointers. 

Family Vacation (i.e. three-ring circus)

There is truly no better way to introduce this baby girl into our family then by spending her 2nd week of life with the Culbertson clan on our annual vaca to Otis, MA!  While I really questioned my sanity as I packed up for a wedding in Watertown, MA followed by a week-long stay in the Berkshires, I was not going to be defeated by the unexpected arrival of a little 6 pound human into our lives.  So I stayed up all night to pack for myself, Micah, Pearl, Violet and Maizie, taking a "break" every 2 hours to change a diaper and give a bottle.  I should also add that I was still vain enough to give myself a mani/pedi , apply self-tanner, pluck my eyebrows & whiten my teeth mid-packing extravaganza (this occurred somewhere around 3am).

Somewhere in the middle of all that, I came to the realization that:

1) I want a minivan ASAP!
2) Newborns are easy, 3-year olds are mind-numbing
3) It is time to stop drinking decaf and start hitting up the real stuff again
4) Why did we ever get pets?

 Thought-provoking, I know.


But it was all worth it, because I really needed to be with my crazy, dysfunctional family this week.   With this group of family members, wild children, in-laws, our inbred family/church friends mix, and some super badly behaved dogs.....I realize why it is that I ever wanted to have children and adopt.  Because everyone deserves a family like this, like it or not.  This is why we are scratching and clawing at a chance to save Vivi from the state foster care system.  Because belonging to a extended family and friend group (however strange they may be) is something this little one needs.

When I was in high school, I sometimes wished I belonged in certain popular crowds.  But this feeling disappeared as soon I got on the bus, fell asleep, and was lucky enough to have one of my brothers punch me in the arm as he was getting off the bus to make sure I didn't miss our stop.  I didn't realize how important home was to me until I left for college, and it didn't take me too long to figure it out and transfer back home.

Being a Culbertson always felt like being a part of something really weird and really awesome. I have only been a Smith for 6 years, but I know its the same way in Micah's family.  From the weird nicknames, old family stories, and a refusal to let any old jokes die off...its like being a part of some sort of club, or maybe a life-sentence of some kind.

Like it or not, you have been initiated, Violet Gloria.  And we Culbertsons do NOT give up easily.

A little more time

As of today, our agency has told us that they will not be removing Violet from our home and placing her in private foster care.  This is a huge answer to prayer! She is going to stay with us for a few more weeks until her biological father makes the decision to get DCF involved OR proceed with adoption.  There really is no other choice for him. I really feel for this guy, he just found out about the baby and really feels like he would be letting her down by giving her up.  Yikes...adoption is so messy.

I keep thinking about how much adoption really costs, for everyone involved.  It costs a lot of money, time, emotional pain....its just a high price to pay for biological and adoptive parents, and for the child.  So why bother when its all so painful and risky? I keep asking myself why this has to be so difficult, and then I think about my own adoption as a child of God.  I guess it cost Jesus a lot to adopt us, he gave up all of his rights to become like us and suffer on our behalf.  Because of that, we get to be called children of God.  Not that this situation can even compare to that, but it does help me to move from the "God must hate me, that's why He is doing this to me" state of mind to an understanding that I have a Savior who has a pretty good idea of how much adoption hurts and how much potential joy it can bring.

There are going to be many days in the next few weeks when I lose sight of this. Thankfully, I have so many people in my life who remind me of what is here and now, and what is just speculation.

Prayers for Violet

At this point it would be safe to say, we need all hands on deck when it comes to praying for this little one!  It seems that her biological father does, in fact, want to parent her.  While his situation makes it impossible for him to care for her for quite some time, it seems like he would like her placed in foster care until he can get his life together.  Our agency is considering removing Violet from our care and placing her in private foster care (that we pay for!) until they can figure out if he will eventually give in or if DCF has to be notified to take the baby.  So here are our options:

1. Terminate the adoption process when the baby is removed from our home
2. Let her go to private foster care an see how this pans out (very expensive on our end)
3. Tell our agency we would be happy to keep her as long as possible, and even try to get DCF certified to be her foster parents until dad figures his life out or she becomes eligible for adoption, but refuse to pay for private foster care.

At this point, we are leaning towards option #3. Mostly because we would rather switch gears and become foster parents than remain as hopeful adoptive parents, when it just may not be realistic.  We are also not sure how we could pay for the adoption if we are paying for her foster care for up to 6 months or so.  It would be so difficult to make the choice to stop paying foster care and let DCF take over, and why should we have to be the ones to make that awful decision?  We'd be thrilled to be her foster parents, but we don't want to be the desperate adoptive parents, if this is going to drag on forever. 

I'm keeping this entry somewhat factual, mainly to help prevent having to tell the story over and over.  Its just easier to tell it this way.  I also want to give my support system specific things they can pray for, and I feel like its important that people know what we are all going through.  Finally, its pretty hard for me to say exactly how I feel because I range somewhere between feeling a peace and seeing God's hand at work, and a desire to take all my diner plates outside and smash them against the pine trees.  See? Not helpful.  This is why I need all of you to pray, pray, pray.  Little Violet and all of my dinner plates depend your prayers!

Baby Violet is Home!!

I know many of you may be surprised to see we have a new little girl in our home, and quite honestly...so are we!  It happened fast, so let me give you the low-down:

• We signed on with Catholic Charities to do our home study for an Ethiopian adoption in October 2010 
• Violet's birth mom probably became pregnant right around the same time, October 2010
• In late February 2011, we heard that Ethiopia would be cutting back the amount of international adoptions they allow by 90% .  We switched to a domestic adoption route.
• In late February 2011, Violet's birth mom realized she was pregnant
• In April 2011, we completed our home study and profile book and went "on the market" for domestic adoption
• At that same time, Violet's birth mom decided to go to Catholic Charities for adoption for her baby
• On July 6th, 2011, we got "The Call" from our social worker while we were having dinner at the Brinton's house.  Violet's birth mom had already selected us, no trial meeting necessary!!
• We meet her on July 7th, 2011 and LOVED her!
• I began taking her to her doctor visits and ultrasound.  This was the first prenatal care she received, at almost full-term.
• The due date was uncertain, somewhere between the end of July and mid-August
• On July 27th, 2011, she called me to say she was in labor.  I meet her at her doctor's office and then brought her to the hospital where I stayed with her until the point of her epidural at midnight on July 28th
• During the day on the 27th, we learned that our social worker had contacted the birth father (unaware of the pregnancy) and told him what was going on,  He was not happy, and expressed a desire to try and parent the baby.....though his situation would require that DCF take the baby for months or years before he could be qualified to take her home
• We went home to sleep from midnight until the birth mom asked her nurse to call me at 4am to tell me to come back
• We arrived just in time, Violet Gloria was born on July 28th, 2011 at 5:32am and weighed 6lbs and was 19.5' long.
• I went in shortly after she was delivered to hold her, and spent the next few days in maternity with her and the birth mom
• When it was time for baby and birth mom to be discharged from the hospital, it was a mountain load of paperwork!
• We do not have custody or guardianship of the baby until adoption at 6 months old
• If both parents agree, they will sign off on their parental rights soon, giving our agency custody until adoption
• The birth mom was very happy with her plan to place the baby with us, and we all left the hospital together 
• We plan on an open adoption, so we will be exchanging pictures and updates with her on a regular basis, as well as visits with Violet
• We choose to have her placed in our homes, despite the fact that this is a high legal risk adoption.  We had the choice of placing her in a foster home until things get worked out, but it was very much against the birth mom's wishes.  She wanted the baby to come home to her adoptive family right away.

So now what? We pray, and we ask you to pray with us!  God's hand has clearly be on this little one's life, from her birth mom's choice not to have an abortion, to funny details like Violet being born in her grandmother's birthday (Micah's mom)!

Nothing is certain, but we feel like God has called us to care for Violet, despite the risk involved.  Since God loved us at such a cost to Himself, it does not surprise me that He would have something like this in His plan! 

  

Homestudy accomplished

Since my last blog, we've decided to definitely wait out the Ethiopia crisis and go for a domestic adoption with baby #2.  Maybe we'll head to Ethiopia for baby #3, if things clear up.  Maybe we'll be lucky to just survive parenting 2 kids and 2 pets, and stop while we're ahead.

So here is a typical timline for a domestic adoption:

• Birth mom looks for adoptive parents around 6-8 months into the pregnancy
• Sometimes the adoptive parents get to bring the baby home from the hospital, sometimes the baby goes into foster care until the parents are sure they want to proceed with the adoption
• We would not legally adopt the baby until 6 months of age
• We won't know the gender or race of the baby until we are matched with a birth mom
• Domestic adoptions are sometimes disrupted before 6 months, but its pretty rare
• Most birth parents change their minds in the hospital (which is much easier than changing their mind after you take home the baby)

At this point in the process, I'm no longer going to start any blog entries with idiotic phrases like "We will.....", "I plan to.....", or "We're going to.....".  It all seems silly, when we have no control over how this adoption might pan out.  Literally, birth parents will be choosing us from a scrapbook I made of our family.  And if you know about my crafting skills.....this is terrifying. 


So here we go!  Ready, set, and wait.  Our paper work is in, our homestudy is being typed up, our profile book is ready for viewing.  In 2 years we may have a baby arrive at our house.....or it could be 2 months.  I hope its somewhere in the middle!

Change of plans

Now I know I'm not a patient person, but I would like to really get this baby #2 show on the road.  I have a very demanding little 3 year old, who could really benefit from having her world rocked by a new sibling.  I also think she would love to be a big sister, and we would love to spread the crazy around to more children. However, I think we are getting our first taste of the uncertainty of being an adoptive parent.  I know that plans change quickly in the world of adoption, and we are really starting to see how crazy things can get. 

We've been in denial lately over here about the international adoption situation in Ehtiopia.  For weeks we've been getting discouraging updates from our agency about the threat from Ethiopia to limit international adoptions to all but 10% of their former capacity.  I'm new to the whole process, but this appears to be a pattern in many third world countries.  They open up for international adoption, things are moving quickly and smoothly, and then tons of parents start to try and adopt from that country, causing overload, corruption and general freaking.  Well, that's my take on it, at least.  So it appears that Ethiopia is in freak-out mode.  They could end up going the route of Guatemala, which would be to shut down entirely, or end up like China & Russia, which would be to restructure to add tons of red tape and a LONG wait.  Let's put it this way, when your agency tries to recruit you from the Ethiopia program to the Russia program.....you know things aren't looking so hot.

I should add here that we feel incredibly thankful that buying our house delayed us from sending out our dossier (and a ton of money) to Ethiopia, only to find out that we may be waiting forever for a referral.  At least now we have a choice.  We can wait it out and see what happens before we send out our dossier anyway, we can try for a domestic adoption, or we could just say forget it and go on a tropical vacation.  I'm thinking we might try for a domestic adoption, but the beach also sounds really good right now.  

So I guess I should re-title this blog! Hmmm...any suggestions?

What's going on?

Good question.  As I write this, I'm curled up on my couch bed in a tiny room that contains all the crap I could possibly need for the next two months.  That room happens to be in my parents' basement, because.......we are moving.  I was not thrilled about having to to move for the 6th time in our 6 years of marriage, but I've been assured that this is the FINAL move (not like death, but the other final move that comes before it).  After summers without water, overflowing septic tanks, winters without heat, and a really fun hobby called "flip this rental", we decided we'd like to pay more for all of those headaches. 

As we spent time looking for a house, we also briefly considered switching to a domestic adoption program.Its cheaper, quicker, and has less "unknowns", but the idea really didn't seem to sit well with us.  I think its the idea of a birth mom deciding at the last minute to parent her baby.  So we decided we feel much more comfortable spending three times the amount, traveling to a foreign country that happens to boarder terrorist-infested nations, and leave Pearl for weeks at a time to do all of this.  Sounds like a logical decision, right? I don't know what it is, but I just feel like Ethiopia is the place. 

All this to say, life looks a little messy for us right now, but we plan to move forward again in the Spring when we are settled.  Moving means we have to update some paperwork, and our home study can't be finished until we are in our new place.