Choices

Many of you are wondering what happened to disrupt this adoption, so here is the scoop:

1. On Monday we had an appointment to speak with Violet's birth father, we were so nervous because we knew that he wasn't too thrilled about the adoption plan and he had the power to send Violet to DCF
2. On our way up to see him, the birth mom texted me to ask if she can speak with our social worker (who was in the car with us)
3. She said that she had changed her mind and wanted the baby back
4. We still went through with the meeting with the birth father, who was actually so nice.  He said he prayed about it and decided he was not in a stable place to parent.  Such an unbelievable flip-flop.
5. The next morning, the birth mom started freaking out on me, she was furious that I could not just drop the baby off to her.  Nothing I could say could make her understand why DCF had to get involved, and somehow she blamed me.  I threw my iphone against the wall at least 4 times that morning.  Of course, my phone is ringing off the hook with the birth mom and our social worker while Violet screams in the background because I wasn't holding her for 2 minutes.  Yikes.  
6. The next day, DCF had accepted the case and we asked to have Violet put in a Catholic Charities foster home....and yes, we pay for that, too.
7. DCF wll investigate and determine what to do with Violet.  We have a small hope that we can be her foster parents through the state...but its a long-shot.
8. Luckily, Violet's grandmother is a strong Christian woman and is going to advocate hard for the right thing to be done by this baby.  I feel like I can let go of my "mommy battle ax" knowing she is involved.

So we had a few really dark days, but in some ways it has been a weight lifted off of us to just know its over. Since the day she came home, Violet's adoption process looked more and more messy.  I never wanted a baby whose biological parents were able to care for her, we'll see if that ends up being the case with Violet.

I told the birth mom we love her and forgive her, and wish her a happy, blessed life.  Its a struggle to live out those words, but my only other choice is to drown in hate and self-pity. In the past, I choose to dwell in the pain, and it did not work out to be such a hot decision.  

So now we move on.  Its not easy, I still wake up during Violet's feeding times and jump out of bed thinking I have to giver her a bath today, then I realize she is not there.  Its not easy to explain this situation to Pearl, either.  She has already asked if we can get the next baby from my belly, because even a three year old gets the importance this world places on genetics over stability.  This makes me sad for the sake of adoption, and the bad name it gets from cases like this.  It makes me sad for my daughter who was a wonderful big sister.  

For now, we learn how to be a happy family of three.  Again, I rest in the peace that my God knows loss and pain.  I also know that the Bible is full of women asking God for children: Rachel, Hannah, Sarah, Elisabeth...I'm sure there is more.  The God who worked miracles to give them children, still could do so for me.