Sleep-deprived ponderings

I've been thinking a lot lately about Moses.  No idea why, he just keeps popping up into my thoughts, and I am am always drawn to his story in the Bible.  Maybe its because I feel I have some things in common with the old geezer. 

1. First of all, he was very much prone to throwing hissy fits when he did not get his way...check!!  
2. And he had a speech impediment that made him and unlikely leader and public speaker.....check. 
3. He also was living a comfortable life before God dragged him into a new line of work, leading a bunch of cranky people through the dessert while they complained at every step.....uh...check.
4. He also contributed to a cause he never really got to see the end result of...check. 

I personally think something about motherhood is a lot like being Moses.  Unikely and ill-equipped leaders of a bunch of whiney brats, who complain about the food, break the rules, and who happen to make you mad enough to hit rocks and throw stuff.  No?  I defintely see the similarites. 

It could also be that I am starting to get that what I am doing is something for God's kingdom that I may never understand, or never even get to see.  Maybe Violet does not end up as our adopted child, but she sure needs the love and security these first few weeks of her life, and that could be why she is here.  Or not.....I have no idea how God has this all worked out. 

It may truly feel like 40 confused years wondering in the dessert, and we might not see where God is headed with all of it.  Being content to a peice of the puzzle, and not the finished product, is not my strongest skill.  So if any of you have that paticular gift, give me a holler.  I could really use some pointers. 

Family Vacation (i.e. three-ring circus)

There is truly no better way to introduce this baby girl into our family then by spending her 2nd week of life with the Culbertson clan on our annual vaca to Otis, MA!  While I really questioned my sanity as I packed up for a wedding in Watertown, MA followed by a week-long stay in the Berkshires, I was not going to be defeated by the unexpected arrival of a little 6 pound human into our lives.  So I stayed up all night to pack for myself, Micah, Pearl, Violet and Maizie, taking a "break" every 2 hours to change a diaper and give a bottle.  I should also add that I was still vain enough to give myself a mani/pedi , apply self-tanner, pluck my eyebrows & whiten my teeth mid-packing extravaganza (this occurred somewhere around 3am).

Somewhere in the middle of all that, I came to the realization that:

1) I want a minivan ASAP!
2) Newborns are easy, 3-year olds are mind-numbing
3) It is time to stop drinking decaf and start hitting up the real stuff again
4) Why did we ever get pets?

 Thought-provoking, I know.


But it was all worth it, because I really needed to be with my crazy, dysfunctional family this week.   With this group of family members, wild children, in-laws, our inbred family/church friends mix, and some super badly behaved dogs.....I realize why it is that I ever wanted to have children and adopt.  Because everyone deserves a family like this, like it or not.  This is why we are scratching and clawing at a chance to save Vivi from the state foster care system.  Because belonging to a extended family and friend group (however strange they may be) is something this little one needs.

When I was in high school, I sometimes wished I belonged in certain popular crowds.  But this feeling disappeared as soon I got on the bus, fell asleep, and was lucky enough to have one of my brothers punch me in the arm as he was getting off the bus to make sure I didn't miss our stop.  I didn't realize how important home was to me until I left for college, and it didn't take me too long to figure it out and transfer back home.

Being a Culbertson always felt like being a part of something really weird and really awesome. I have only been a Smith for 6 years, but I know its the same way in Micah's family.  From the weird nicknames, old family stories, and a refusal to let any old jokes die off...its like being a part of some sort of club, or maybe a life-sentence of some kind.

Like it or not, you have been initiated, Violet Gloria.  And we Culbertsons do NOT give up easily.

A little more time

As of today, our agency has told us that they will not be removing Violet from our home and placing her in private foster care.  This is a huge answer to prayer! She is going to stay with us for a few more weeks until her biological father makes the decision to get DCF involved OR proceed with adoption.  There really is no other choice for him. I really feel for this guy, he just found out about the baby and really feels like he would be letting her down by giving her up.  Yikes...adoption is so messy.

I keep thinking about how much adoption really costs, for everyone involved.  It costs a lot of money, time, emotional pain....its just a high price to pay for biological and adoptive parents, and for the child.  So why bother when its all so painful and risky? I keep asking myself why this has to be so difficult, and then I think about my own adoption as a child of God.  I guess it cost Jesus a lot to adopt us, he gave up all of his rights to become like us and suffer on our behalf.  Because of that, we get to be called children of God.  Not that this situation can even compare to that, but it does help me to move from the "God must hate me, that's why He is doing this to me" state of mind to an understanding that I have a Savior who has a pretty good idea of how much adoption hurts and how much potential joy it can bring.

There are going to be many days in the next few weeks when I lose sight of this. Thankfully, I have so many people in my life who remind me of what is here and now, and what is just speculation.

Prayers for Violet

At this point it would be safe to say, we need all hands on deck when it comes to praying for this little one!  It seems that her biological father does, in fact, want to parent her.  While his situation makes it impossible for him to care for her for quite some time, it seems like he would like her placed in foster care until he can get his life together.  Our agency is considering removing Violet from our care and placing her in private foster care (that we pay for!) until they can figure out if he will eventually give in or if DCF has to be notified to take the baby.  So here are our options:

1. Terminate the adoption process when the baby is removed from our home
2. Let her go to private foster care an see how this pans out (very expensive on our end)
3. Tell our agency we would be happy to keep her as long as possible, and even try to get DCF certified to be her foster parents until dad figures his life out or she becomes eligible for adoption, but refuse to pay for private foster care.

At this point, we are leaning towards option #3. Mostly because we would rather switch gears and become foster parents than remain as hopeful adoptive parents, when it just may not be realistic.  We are also not sure how we could pay for the adoption if we are paying for her foster care for up to 6 months or so.  It would be so difficult to make the choice to stop paying foster care and let DCF take over, and why should we have to be the ones to make that awful decision?  We'd be thrilled to be her foster parents, but we don't want to be the desperate adoptive parents, if this is going to drag on forever. 

I'm keeping this entry somewhat factual, mainly to help prevent having to tell the story over and over.  Its just easier to tell it this way.  I also want to give my support system specific things they can pray for, and I feel like its important that people know what we are all going through.  Finally, its pretty hard for me to say exactly how I feel because I range somewhere between feeling a peace and seeing God's hand at work, and a desire to take all my diner plates outside and smash them against the pine trees.  See? Not helpful.  This is why I need all of you to pray, pray, pray.  Little Violet and all of my dinner plates depend your prayers!

Baby Violet is Home!!

I know many of you may be surprised to see we have a new little girl in our home, and quite honestly...so are we!  It happened fast, so let me give you the low-down:

• We signed on with Catholic Charities to do our home study for an Ethiopian adoption in October 2010 
• Violet's birth mom probably became pregnant right around the same time, October 2010
• In late February 2011, we heard that Ethiopia would be cutting back the amount of international adoptions they allow by 90% .  We switched to a domestic adoption route.
• In late February 2011, Violet's birth mom realized she was pregnant
• In April 2011, we completed our home study and profile book and went "on the market" for domestic adoption
• At that same time, Violet's birth mom decided to go to Catholic Charities for adoption for her baby
• On July 6th, 2011, we got "The Call" from our social worker while we were having dinner at the Brinton's house.  Violet's birth mom had already selected us, no trial meeting necessary!!
• We meet her on July 7th, 2011 and LOVED her!
• I began taking her to her doctor visits and ultrasound.  This was the first prenatal care she received, at almost full-term.
• The due date was uncertain, somewhere between the end of July and mid-August
• On July 27th, 2011, she called me to say she was in labor.  I meet her at her doctor's office and then brought her to the hospital where I stayed with her until the point of her epidural at midnight on July 28th
• During the day on the 27th, we learned that our social worker had contacted the birth father (unaware of the pregnancy) and told him what was going on,  He was not happy, and expressed a desire to try and parent the baby.....though his situation would require that DCF take the baby for months or years before he could be qualified to take her home
• We went home to sleep from midnight until the birth mom asked her nurse to call me at 4am to tell me to come back
• We arrived just in time, Violet Gloria was born on July 28th, 2011 at 5:32am and weighed 6lbs and was 19.5' long.
• I went in shortly after she was delivered to hold her, and spent the next few days in maternity with her and the birth mom
• When it was time for baby and birth mom to be discharged from the hospital, it was a mountain load of paperwork!
• We do not have custody or guardianship of the baby until adoption at 6 months old
• If both parents agree, they will sign off on their parental rights soon, giving our agency custody until adoption
• The birth mom was very happy with her plan to place the baby with us, and we all left the hospital together 
• We plan on an open adoption, so we will be exchanging pictures and updates with her on a regular basis, as well as visits with Violet
• We choose to have her placed in our homes, despite the fact that this is a high legal risk adoption.  We had the choice of placing her in a foster home until things get worked out, but it was very much against the birth mom's wishes.  She wanted the baby to come home to her adoptive family right away.

So now what? We pray, and we ask you to pray with us!  God's hand has clearly be on this little one's life, from her birth mom's choice not to have an abortion, to funny details like Violet being born in her grandmother's birthday (Micah's mom)!

Nothing is certain, but we feel like God has called us to care for Violet, despite the risk involved.  Since God loved us at such a cost to Himself, it does not surprise me that He would have something like this in His plan! 

  

Homestudy accomplished

Since my last blog, we've decided to definitely wait out the Ethiopia crisis and go for a domestic adoption with baby #2.  Maybe we'll head to Ethiopia for baby #3, if things clear up.  Maybe we'll be lucky to just survive parenting 2 kids and 2 pets, and stop while we're ahead.

So here is a typical timline for a domestic adoption:

• Birth mom looks for adoptive parents around 6-8 months into the pregnancy
• Sometimes the adoptive parents get to bring the baby home from the hospital, sometimes the baby goes into foster care until the parents are sure they want to proceed with the adoption
• We would not legally adopt the baby until 6 months of age
• We won't know the gender or race of the baby until we are matched with a birth mom
• Domestic adoptions are sometimes disrupted before 6 months, but its pretty rare
• Most birth parents change their minds in the hospital (which is much easier than changing their mind after you take home the baby)

At this point in the process, I'm no longer going to start any blog entries with idiotic phrases like "We will.....", "I plan to.....", or "We're going to.....".  It all seems silly, when we have no control over how this adoption might pan out.  Literally, birth parents will be choosing us from a scrapbook I made of our family.  And if you know about my crafting skills.....this is terrifying. 


So here we go!  Ready, set, and wait.  Our paper work is in, our homestudy is being typed up, our profile book is ready for viewing.  In 2 years we may have a baby arrive at our house.....or it could be 2 months.  I hope its somewhere in the middle!

Change of plans

Now I know I'm not a patient person, but I would like to really get this baby #2 show on the road.  I have a very demanding little 3 year old, who could really benefit from having her world rocked by a new sibling.  I also think she would love to be a big sister, and we would love to spread the crazy around to more children. However, I think we are getting our first taste of the uncertainty of being an adoptive parent.  I know that plans change quickly in the world of adoption, and we are really starting to see how crazy things can get. 

We've been in denial lately over here about the international adoption situation in Ehtiopia.  For weeks we've been getting discouraging updates from our agency about the threat from Ethiopia to limit international adoptions to all but 10% of their former capacity.  I'm new to the whole process, but this appears to be a pattern in many third world countries.  They open up for international adoption, things are moving quickly and smoothly, and then tons of parents start to try and adopt from that country, causing overload, corruption and general freaking.  Well, that's my take on it, at least.  So it appears that Ethiopia is in freak-out mode.  They could end up going the route of Guatemala, which would be to shut down entirely, or end up like China & Russia, which would be to restructure to add tons of red tape and a LONG wait.  Let's put it this way, when your agency tries to recruit you from the Ethiopia program to the Russia program.....you know things aren't looking so hot.

I should add here that we feel incredibly thankful that buying our house delayed us from sending out our dossier (and a ton of money) to Ethiopia, only to find out that we may be waiting forever for a referral.  At least now we have a choice.  We can wait it out and see what happens before we send out our dossier anyway, we can try for a domestic adoption, or we could just say forget it and go on a tropical vacation.  I'm thinking we might try for a domestic adoption, but the beach also sounds really good right now.  

So I guess I should re-title this blog! Hmmm...any suggestions?